Medium • 23rd October 2026

I’m The Rich CEO Who Hands Out The Big Candy Bars On Halloween And, No, I Will Not Pay Your Parents…

Co-written by Lily Hirsch and Saba KhonsariHere, kid. Take a Payday. I’ve got boxes. But, come payday, I won’t be so generous with your parents.Or how about a Snicker’s bar. It reminds me of the way I snicker behind your mom’s back when I see the starting salary she was willing to accept.Go ahead, grab a full-size Kit Kat. But give me a break with the paid parental leave your dad asked for — he can make do with the unpaid FMLA and a burp cloth with the company logo.Take a 3.5 lb bag of Sour Patc...

Medium • 3rd August 2026

We Are Proud Our Kids Are Hungry, And That Is Why We Are Banning Universal Free Lunch At Schools

Co-written with Alexis Tai

We want our students to experience the drive that comes with gnawing hunger from taking away free lunches

21st May 2026

Toy Story’s Sid Phillips – Cover Letter to Dream Job ICE  – Weekly Humorist

To President Donald J. Trump,
 
I was excited to see extensive openings for Federal ICE Agents. When Stephen Miller said ICE officers have federal immunity to conduct their duties, which include shooting leftist libtards at point blank range, I knew I had finally found my calling. I am exactly the young, fearless, morally flexible man you are seeking.

Medium • 9th April 2026

How to Teen-Proof Your Self-Esteem

Co-written with Lily Hirsch

You can’t feel bad about being uncool if you remember that you’ve always been uncool.

Houston Chronicle • 23rd January 2026

Machado. Trump. And 'The Giving Tree.'

Once there was a tree.

And she didn’t quite love a little boy, who was actually a very old man, but she felt perhaps it was in her best interest to give the fully grown adult man her choicest fruit. And say she loved him and felt he was the one that deserved to be acknowledged for having fruit.

19th January 2026

I Thought There Would Be More Singing In This Fascist Government Takeover – Weekly Humorist

None of this explains the blatant lack of puppet shows. Is it too much to expect that when an autocrat takes increasing power we could at least have some yodeling?

Medium • 8th January 2026

Amelia Bedelia and the CDC

“Amelia Bedelia, I meant no more flu vaccine requirements. F-L-U.”

Medium • 16th December 2025

FAQ About The Updated Job Description Compliance for Ghost of Christmas Past

Despite what you think, we’re looking toward the future

Medium • 19th November 2025

Bug-Out Bag for New Parents

Co-written by Alexis Tai

Don’t forget your Happiest Baby Snoo Smart Sleeper Bassinet and Tesla Cybertruck

MuddyUm • 19th September 2025

I Don’t Understand Why I, Goldilocks, Am Being Accused of Committing Genocide Against The Bears in…

Co-written by Alexis Tai

Just burning all the chairs and beds is too war crimes, and simply withholding porridge from every Daddy, Mommy, and Baby Bear is too crimes against humanity, and none of these are just right

The Belladonna Comedy • 4th August 2025

White Liberal Support Of Immigrants Mad Libs

Co-written by Alexis Tai

Our economy will [NEGATIVE VERB] without immigrants to do [UNSAFE AND UNDERPAID JOB THAT WE BELIEVE IS ESSENTIAL BUT DON’T VALUE ENOUGH TO PAY AN ADEQUATE SALARY].

The Belladonna Comedy • 28th July 2025

A Friendly Reminder About Signal Montessori’s Dropoff Procedures During An Ice Raid

This is a friendly reminder that even if you are being accosted by ICE, our dropoff guidelines must be followed.

McSweeney's Internet Tendency • 1st April 2025

An Open Letter to ICE Regarding My Potential Disappearance

Also, are you deporting only these legal residents with ties to college campuses, or do you plan on expanding to other places, like cultural centers or the Halal Guys?

Frazzled • 23rd January 2025

A Series of Announcements From the Robertson Elementary PTA Spring Gala Committee Encouraging You…

Unfortunately, we just learned that Ashley is the antichrist, and we’re looking for another parent to step up to volunteer as a co-chair on the Robertson Elementary PTA Spring Gala Committee.

Frazzled • 12th December 2024

12 Days of Simmering Resentment Resulting from Trying to Take a Family Photo

On the eleventh day of Christmas, you ruminate in uncomfortable silence…

Frazzled • 12th November 2024

Parents of Disney Princesses Justify Their Parenting Styles

Co-written by Alexis Tai

We just assumed if we told our kid about spindles and how to safely engage with them, she would want to touch them and prick her finger even more.

Greener Pastures Magazine • 4th November 2024

Planning An Undecided Voter’s Political Identity Reveal Party

Co-written by Alexis Tai

One of the highlights of being an undecided voter is announcing if you’re going to vote Democrat or Republican (or third-party!) in an election year.

Jane Austen’s Wastebasket • 4th October 2024

I Am Sentencing Little Red Riding Hood to Life in Prison for the Murder of the Big Bad Wolf

Co-written by Alexis Tai

In this country wolves are innocent until you can prove the girls are innocent.

Jane Austen’s Wastebasket • 26th September 2024

The Galactic Empire Would Like to Remind You of Its Terms Of Service

Co-written by Alexis Tai

You signed the terms of service, and whether you read it or not, that gives us unlimited power to limit your legal rights.

Frazzled • 1st August 2024

NEW JOB POSTING: Seeking Mothers for Toxic Work Environment

Co-written by Alexis Tai

Apply today!

The Belladonna Comedy • 1st May 2024

Date Night, As Imagined By Me Before Getting Married

Co-written by Alexis Tai

Making our relationship a priority is as simple as saying, “We make our relationship a priority.”

Greener Pastures Magazine • 5th January 2024

How the Grinch Tried to Steal Our Second Amendment Rights

Co-written by Alexis Tai

“I must find some way to keep more guns from coming!”

The Belladonna Comedy • 17th October 2023

Housewarming Gift Guide for White Liberals Moving Into a Gentrifying Neighborhood

Celebrate the history of their neighborhood with a handmade board from one of the native trees that used to flourish here.

The Belladonna Comedy • 25th September 2023

Disney Moms Support Group: What Animals Do You Prefer to Watch Your Kids?

Co-written by Alexis Tai

We used a dragon, a cricket, and a horse, and they helped my daughter save all of China.